So last week I decided to take care of one of my twice yearly ear cleaning. Let me clarify because that doesn’t sound right. I mean a “deep” cleaning. With hydrogen peroxide, flushing and the whole bit. I won’t bore you with the details but basically you dump some hydrogen peroxide into the ear and stuff and cotton ball in there and let it work for about 5-10 minutes. If you’ve ever dumped hydrogen peroxide (from now on called HP cause I’m too lazy) on a wound you know how active it becomes. Now just imagine the stuff sitting in your ear while it’s doing that. The racket is maddening.

Anyhow there I was with this HP in my ear trying to keep myself from wanting to tear the side of my head off when all of a sudden I was overcome with a vision of pure brilliance. I decided I would “help” the HP with a Q-tip. In case you haven’t figured it out the HP loosens the hardened old wax in your ear canal and helps it to release from the surrounding skin. And there’s a reason you flush it out with water. Something I knew going into the whole thing but chose to forget at that particular moment.

Out comes the Q-tip and gets inserted directly into the ear and when I pull it out I can’t hear out of the offended ear. Not a damn thing. My first thought was “My God I ruptured my ear drum! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!” then I realized there was no pain so that was out of the question. My next though was “Thank you Lord for making it so I don’t have to go to work in the morning!” but that dream was crushed when I realized that it would be Sunday. Work or not I couldn’t hear out of the ear and was getting a little disturbed. I mean wouldn’t that just be my luck to find out I suffered a bout of “sudden onset deafness” or something nutty like that?

I finally had enough and made my way to the emergency room on Tuesday and after sitting in the lobby for 4 hours was seen by a doctor and a nurse who of course dutifully took my temperature, heart-rate, and blood pressure. Doctor looked in my ear and asked if I had been using Q-tips. I said I had and waited for him to give me the news, “Son you’ve damaged your ear beyond repair. I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do for you.” Instead he said the nurse will be right in and you’ll be just fine in about 15 minutes. Which of course was a welcome revelation.

The nurse does her thing the doctor checks and declares me cured. He then admonished me for having used Q-tips as a tamping rod to pack the loose wax into a ball that blocked the canal. Just before I left I asked him what they had shot into my ear with syringe. He showed me a container. I don’t remember the name of the stuff but I do remember it said “Laxative and Stool Softener”. Yup, the fixed my head with laxative and stool softener.

So let this be a lesson to you (and me) – the next time someone calls you a shithead they might not be too far off the mark.