A quick “PS” before we get going with the important stuff. It appears the PR has updated recently. I’m now at a lofty 5 from a meager 4. Go me. Anyhow let’s get back to the things that matter.

Everyday we get bamboozled by one scheme or another. Yes I said “we” and I use that word because I’m fully confident there’s not a single person out there who isn’t tricked and deceived on a daily basis. In order that you (and I) might be able to better combat this proclivity towards idiocy we have I thought it wise to list out some of the stupid things we believe. Mind you these are in no particular order.

He won’t bite

If he won’t bite why the hell do you feel the need to point that out to me? Honestly, is it really necessary? No, what you meant to say was “He already took a chunk out of the mailman’s ass this morning so I don’t THINK he’ll bite you…” Come on, be honest. If he won’t bite you wouldn’t feel the need to tell me about it.

You wanna know the really sad part? In my brilliance I’ll be dumb enough to reach down and pet him suddenly emboldened and self-assured because you have just declared the dog to be “safe”. And I’ll probably get bit. How’s that for too stupid?

I’ll love you in the morning

This always, always, always starts out with a question. “Will you love me in the morning?” I will love you to mars and back ten times over if it gets me into your pants. So yeah, I will love you in the morning. Or until I do what I want to do to you. After that all bets are off, but if you’d like to cook me breakfast I like my eggs over easy, and my bacon crisp. Oh and the cast iron skillet is under the stove.

Love you in the morning? If you need to ask then clearly I don’t love you now and I won’t love you in the morning. In fact I’ll probably have lost a great deal of respect for you “in the morning”

…ties to Al-Qaeda

Surely I’m not the only one who has noticed that everything from full blown terrorist attacks to little old ladies j-walking can be directly attributed to Al-Qaeda. Or so says the media and the government. Talk about paranoia. I’m no fan of Al-Qaeda, but riddle me this… We’ve spent billions and billions of dollars “fighting terror” (as if fighting an ideology is even possible) and each time I turn on my tv new I’m greeted with our heroic exploits of taking down Al-Qaeda, but then 5 minutes later I hear about a bombing that “has the ear marks of Al-Qaeda”. Now being a simple man I wonder to myself if we’re taking them down, why do they seem to keep growing?

I’ve come to realize there is only one of two possible conclusions a sane human being can reach -

• Al-Qaeda can’t be stopped as an organization because despite our best efforts they continue to grow, and continue to operate
• The American government and the media is full of shit

Hmm, yeah option two sound good to me right about now. We’re not inflicting deep loses on Al-Qaeda and not every bad thing that happens harkens back to Al-Qaeda

How to write books

Today I was browsing through the local Barnes and Noble bookstore when I came across the writing reference section. I am a firm believer that books can teach us a great many things. For instance a book can teach you how to tear down and rebuild a car, a computer, hell even a house. There is however no way in hell a book can teach you how to write. Either you know how or you don’t. Sure, the books might help you to refine your writing, but a book that’s titled How to Write a Damn Good Novel: A Steb-By-Step No Nonsense Guide to Dramatic Storytelling (ISBN-13: 9780312010447) clearly is claiming to teach you how to write. The only book worth a damn I’ve ever seen that was written about writing was by Stephen King called On Writing (ISBN-13: 9780684853529).

So do I rally against? The book? The stores? The authors who clearly have no clue how to write or they wouldn’t be writing a “how to write” book because if they did they’d be writing real books, making real money? Who?

How to make money online

There are two things I figured out about people online. First they lie. About everything. Second they’re all smarter than anyone else. Most especially when it comes to making money online. If I had a nickle penny for every “make money online” scam I’ve run across I’d be filthy rich!

Got news for you folks, just like writing no one can teach you how to make money online. Why? Because you can’t teach hardwork. You can’t teach drive and determination. You can’t teach risk taking. All of those things need to be present in order to make money online. Those and God’s grace.

It runs like a top

Well Mr. Carsalesman I can’t help but wonder if it’s running like a top why is it in the very back row of your lot with a tiny little sticker that says the cost? Granted it’s not all that bad of a car in the looks department, but I can’t help but wonder…

Ontime service

Ever notice how nearly all service based company give you ranges of times for their arrival and time on site? They do this for a reason. It’s called “cover your ass”. I don’t know what drove them to it, but likely some brain dead latte sipping jackass got upset and threatened to sue them over being late. So their recourse was simply to say “We’ll have someone over between 11 and 5 to fix the problem” Now you can’t get mad at them, because it was your sniveling and whining that brought this about.

But you wanna know the best part of all this? Even after they give themselves 4 hours of leeway they are more often than not late and not prepared to do the job they have come for.

Hillary is qualified to be President

How the hell is this carpet bagging idiot even a candidate? What has she ever accomplished in her life that leads people believe she is worthy of consideration? It’s not about her being a woman it’s about her not being qualified. I’d vote for Condi Rice in a nano-second because she’s highly qualified, but Hillary Clinton… What?

The really sad part is that she is convinced that she is actually qualified. What’s even worse is that there are enough people out in voting land who will vote for her for two simple reasons. She strokes their emotions with this idea of nationalized health care and secondly because she’s a woman. But let me set the record straight for you. She’s a woman who hasn’t accomplished anything that makes her a good choice to be president except she was once allowed to present Congress with a healthcare plan that was shot down. Tell me again, please how is she qualified to be President? Is she even qualified to decide if the window is open or shut?

I could go on for days and days, but I figure it’s time to turn it over to YOU! So what other lies are there? I know there are a lot, and I know I missed many, but that’s ok because now you’ll have a chance to air some out.